These talks might include:
- Getting good grades
- Getting into a good college
- Their parents’ expectations of them
- Their parents’ hopes and dreams for them
Spring is also tough for me in this respect because it’s a busy time for standardized testing in schools, which also piles stress on kids.
Most parents deeply love their kids. But sometimes, their hopes for them are actually hopes for themselves. Maybe they aren’t consciously striving for greatness through their kids, purposely using them as a “do-over” to correct their past mistakes—but maybe unconsciously, they are.
The kids I hear from aren’t slacking. They care about school, they care about doing well, and they care about their parents and don’t want to disappoint them. This is why these talks can weigh on them like backpacks filled with bricks.
Kids who act out or exhibit other unhealthy traits aren’t likely to be helped by these talks either.
I am not picking on parents. I’m one, too, and I made some spectacular slip-ups while raising my daughter. But if I can take what I learned from parenting, combine it with my experience as a licensed professional counselor, and pass it on to you, something good can come from my mistakes.
Why Lecturing Your Child Is Counterproductive
The human brain does not fully mature until our late twenties, and the prefrontal cortex, the region that regulates several functions, including decision-making and predicting the consequences of our actions, is among the last to develop.
So, when you tell your eight-year-old she must do her homework before playing outdoors, she will understand … somewhat. But her ability to thoroughly reason it out is limited, no matter how clearly or how many times you’ve explained. That’s because her prefrontal cortex is still under construction, which also makes her more likely to ignore what you said, skip the homework, and sneak outside anyway.
Teenagers with their adolescent brains typically do a much better job of understanding why doing homework before meeting up with friends is important, and they’re usually more capable of complying. Still, they might do a slapdash job on homework because they’re prioritizing social opportunities. They are dismayed when they flunk a test the next day.
Too much stress can permanently damage the prefrontal cortex in developing brains, from very young children through adolescence.
Use Your Words and Put Your Listening Ears On
Have you ever told your kids to use their words or to put their listening ears on? Parents can choose their words and put their listening ears on, being careful in the way they speak to their kids and trying to hear their message as their kids do. Are they unrealistic expectations? Are they demands? Are they threats?
Talking with your child will probably go better if you ask yourself these questions:
- Am I overtired, stressed out, or in a bad mood? Am I bullying my kid?
- Is it really necessary to have this talk? What purpose does it serve?
- Are my expectations of my child reasonable, and are they about him or me?
- Is this an open, relaxed conversation, or am I lecturing and interrogating?
- Am I helping my kid become independent and learn to make good choices, or am I doing all the thinking for her?
And last but not least:
- Am I taking my kid’s prefrontal cortex into account?
Ultimately children must forge their own paths, but their parents’ encouragement can help clear the way.