Jeremy is a 17-year-old patient who has had two knee surgeries from injuries sustained in high school sports. He’s an overachiever who simply wants to make everyone happy.
He was eager not to let anyone down, and so, under extreme pressure to perform, he headed back to the football field before he’d had time to heal from a concussion and broken bones fully. It was far too soon, and his journey to feeling whole again was prolonged, hurting him from the inside out and mentally breaking him down.
Both institutions and parents are responsible for nurturing achievement while being careful to avoid dangerous overachievement, which has negative impacts from top to bottom. Mental, emotional, and physical health are at stake for kids like Jeremy.
Similar Pressures in Adult Life
I like to compare the circumstances so many teens face to an adult being forced to stay in a job they hate. When there seems to be no way out — zero choice in whether or not you’re allowed to quit a thing that breaks you every day — it is suffocating. The damage that can continue to cause could be nearly irreparable for an adult, much less to a growing child or teen.
I’ve seen time and time again pressure to perform and/or perfect, and then these kids are breaking down. Any attempt to back away from a sport or extracurricular activity is met with refusal; their parents force them back into it, and so then they feel stuck.
These kids find themselves in situations with no solution or control. Imagine you hate your job and cannot get out; nobody will let you find what makes you happy. And every time you walk out, someone puts you back into that job.
Ask yourself: how would that make you feel?
Stuck. Adults can walk away from jobs if we don’t like them, but we don’t let our kids do that. Some parents may say, “Well, I’m not going to let them try anything anymore because every time they try something, they quit.”
Teach Kids to Pursue What They Enjoy
The thing is, that’s what kids are meant to do. They’re supposed to test things out. They should check and see if they like it. As parents, we can’t expect them to fall in love with everything they try, just like we don’t fall in love with everything we try.
I’ve seen a lot of this mentality in families, and it creates mental health breakdowns in kids and teens. I’ve seen physical health breakdowns, and there are certainly emotional breakdowns. It affects every part of their bodies and minds because of the overachievement pressures parents put on them.
In wanting them to succeed, we can’t allow kids to go back to playing football when they’re not fully healed from a concussion. If you’re struggling with this, ask yourself why: is it because you need them to achieve a certain level of success in something in order for you to feel good about who you are?
I get it! I did the same thing to my daughter, who is a talented singer. And so it was important to me as I raised her to encourage her because I always wanted to be able to sing and perform. I have always been able to hold my own at karaoke, but she can sing — this girl can sing opera.
But did she want to? I know now that I pressured her because I couldn’t do it, so I needed her to do it. Unfortunately, that pressure played out very negatively for her and for me. But it doesn’t have to be that way for you!
Takeaways
- Self-Reflection and Open Communication. Have an honest look at yourself and an honest conversation with your kid(s).
- Balanced Exploration. Consider what activities he or she could “try” within reason (we all know it’s not ideal to try every single expensive option out there!). Advocate for a balanced approach to extracurricular activities without overwhelming everyone involved with excessive commitments.
- Setting Boundaries. Decide now how far is too far and recognize that it’s not in anyone’s best interest to encourage success past a certain breaking point.
- Regular Check-ins for Comfort Zone Assessment. Commit to ongoing check-ins to ensure your kids stay within their comfort zone.
- Encourage Healthy Passions. Nurture your kids’ genuine interests rather than impose parental aspirations, fostering an environment where they can explore and find joy in activities that resonate with their own passions and talents!
Good luck — you’ve got this!